CAN WE SAY "NERVOUS BREAKDOWN"?

Oh the drama. Rocky went missing last Sunday night. I went to put everyone to bed around 11:30 and couldn't find him anywhere. Ended up waking up hubby and we both began to tear the house apart searching for him. He was nowhere in the house. We thought back and realized I'd seen him last around 8:30 when he was helping me do the dishes and we played a bit in his pirate ship. I expected after that, he went to snooze in the Hidey Hole or his hammock under our bed.

Hubby remembers coming in about that time and opening the door that leads to our garage. Our garage door was also open. Could he have slipped out then?

We were out looking for him at 2 AM and I was hanging up "Lost Ferret" signs and posting on craigslist at 3 AM. I was in shock, felt like I was going to pass out, throw up - the whole bit. Harsh words between hubby and I added to the already nightmarish situation (we were both really scared).

I didn't really sleep; laid there, dreaming half-awake. Later on, Monday morning, I thought I'd just dreamed I'd lost him. But then the cruel realization hit me that it was indeed so. No Rocky came trotting in the kitchen to beg for treats. No Rocky running in-between my feet trying to trip me. No Rocky.

I was in total shut-down, sobbing hysterically all day Monday. I had a false alarm when someone posted on craigslist that they'd rescued a ferret the same night I lost Rocky. I contacted her, and it wasn't anywhere near where I live -- it wasn't my baby.

I was freaking out because of the heat and the dogs and the fact that little ferrets can't survive long on their own in this big world. I wondered if he missed me as much as I missed him. I put out a carrier, food, water and Ferratone for him. I even put ferret poo in the garden, praying he'd catch the scent and come back.

In the evening on Monday, my husband, son and I went out looking again. I was headed toward some bushes at a house when I looked up and noticed a car that pulled up to one of my signs. The lady was dialing her cell phone. I ran up to her car. "Did you find a ferret?," I asked. "Yes, I did", she said and she pointed to Rocky's picture and said, "That's him!"

Needless to say I about peed myself and jumped in her car (no pee in her car) and she took me to her house, which was about five houses down and across the street. There was Rocky, hiding under her shed. She noticed him peeking out at her while she was mowing.

He was a bit dirty, tired, hungry and thirsty and scared. Otherwise, unharmed. I am soooo grateful. I really didn't think we'd ever find him. It's so hot, no one is outside. He would have been so easy to miss.

I had prayers and postive, loving wishes from people all over the world. It is all of that outpouring of love that helped bring Rocky home to me. I believe that with all my heart. I am just overwhelmed with the power behind all of the energy that went out to us. Thank you, a million times over.

As for the lady who found my guy, her name is Rachael and was very sweet and (hopefully) didn't think I was too much of a lunatic. She got a reward of my undying gratitude and $ 100. And now Rocky owes me $ 100. LOL!

It is so good to have my Mamoo back home again!

IT'S NO HAIRBALL

Well...so much for writing everyday! Ah! Life is busy -- especially since I started fostering Misty, Oreo and Vestia. It is just like having a day care now, only with 9 ferrets! The boys want to play with the girls. The girls tease the boys through the gate. Somebody poops in this corner. I clean it up. Somebody digs ALL of their food out of their bowl, thereby carpeting their cage with kibble. I clean it up. Somebody poops in another corner. I clean it up. Somebody gets in a squabble. I break it up.

Then I'll get a big wet kiss or somebody will weasel dance me and it makes everything worth it, tenfold. I was created to be a ferret mom, that's for sure. I totally love this.

The situation between Snow and Ziggy is much improved. We still have moments of disapproval, but nothing like before. They are actually sharing the same cage now. Well...they were until a day ago.

This is where my drama with Snow continues. I've only had him, what, 6 weeks. He has been fine health-wise. I had an appointment for him to get his yearly rabies vaccination. The night before his appointment (this past Sunday) he began to have labored breathing and went "flat". And he kept trying to go to the potty pad over and over.

I thought he had a hairball, seriously. Dr. Dori checked him out yesterday and told me that he has a "really bad" heart murmur. So she put him on Lasix and Benazapril, which seems to have already improved his breathing.

I can't even find the words to explain how sad and devestated I feel around this. We only recently lost our Cupid to the same type of illness and it was hard. This feels downright unfair. The positive aspect of this (and I reaching here) is that little Snow is younger thn Cupid was and doesn't (at least I think) have any other illnesses, like insulinoma to further complicate the heart issue.

Honestly, I love the little DEW and albino ferrets. But I don't know if I ever own another one after this. It's too heartbreaking.

so there is happiness around the FriskyBiznus House of Ferret. And there is sadness and fear - a repeat of the slow loss we just went through with Cupid.

I will post some foster pics up soon. And if anyone ever misses me here on my blog, you can find me on Facebook! Feel free to friend me!

DREAM A LITTLE DREAM

My son, Nathan, told me he had a dream about Cupid yesterday morning. He dreamt that Cupid was bouncing and playing and climbing on his head. I choose to believe that this was Cupid's message to me: that he is just fine; that he is happy, free and healthy again. And that there really is such a place called "heaven".

The Eric Clapton song, Tears in Heaven, has been running through my head for a few days now. Nathan says it's "Cupid's Song". Yeah.

I've had so much support and wonderful messages from others. It's really cool to feel the spirit of love and empathy from close friends and people I hardly know. That's grace.

Today has been a little easier, because life does go on. The five WildCats (my other ferrets) are noticing Cupid's absence. I found Dave sleeping in Cupid's sock nest last night and George has been there, too, seeming to look for Cupid. George seemed a bit sad this morning, sniffing around and then going flat as if it was just hitting him that his friend has really left.

Dave, who was Cupid's cagemate and BFF, has been very interesting. He seems...peaceful. And, suddenly he is playing and war-dancing more than I've ever seen him do before. It's almost uncharacteristic for him. And I wonder, perhaps Dave feels the peace that Cupid is feeling.

I don't know. Maybe I'm reaching. But ferrets can be quite intense and feeling little creatures. And I believe animals are intuitive around the unseen and spiritual.

The cage that Cupid lived in for the last month now stands stark and empty. I suddenly have more time again. No more multiple feedings and medication times. No more extra laundry on top of the already circulating pile. No more nights of just sitting there, watching, crying, praying.

It's done. Now our lives with ferrets returns to more of a "normal" (uh, yeah...) state. My blogs won't be monopolized with Cupid and his illness and my fears. Now I can write more about the ordinary, the mundane, the silliness, the tearing out of my hair because the lamp got knocked down again.

There are probably a couple more posts about Cupid. We bury him on Sunday and I will write about that. I will miss him and have waves of grief and I will write about that, too. But, soon I can move on and give the other five guys a chance in the Blog Spotlight.

TEARS IN HEAVEN

So, this morning at about 4 am, Cupid McPoo crossed over the Bridge. He was approximately 6 1/2 years old. Cupid began breathing very laboriously during the evening and it steadily progressed into the night and early morning. Keith and I sat up with him. We talked to him, we held him. I sang to him. We put him in a soft pet bed and petted him.

We put him in his little bed in our bed between us. I remember looking at the clock and it was close to 3:30 am. I must have dozed off for a few minutes. When I opened my eyes, he was gone. He was still very warm, so I know it had only been minutes.

We've cried and cried. My head tells me he is OK now, and running and playing. My heart aches. I miss him. He was such a beautiful friend.

I called off from work and stayed home. I cleaned the cages and gathered up Cupid's things: his favorite blanket, a grass ball, a ping pong ball, a sock, his spoon, his toothbrush. I snipped some of his hair (he had a beautiful white and apricot coat) and I snipped some of my hair to bury with him. Before he died, I'd taken his paw prints. Anyway, all of his stuff is gathered together. I picked some flowers from our garden and made an arrangement and put it next to his stuff. And I've been burning a small candle.

Perhaps to some, that's goofy. But to me, it's not enough.

The other ferrets have been a bit quiet today. Their play has been subdued. Last night, as Cupid was laying in his bed, they came up and sniffed him, sneezed and went away. It was strange. They played around him. They seen to have accepted his passing so far. Dave is the one I need to watch, since he and Cupid have always been together.

But so far? Dave has comforted me. They all have.

So long, Sensei. Fly high little ferret. I love you.

I can't write anymore right now.

MELTDOWNS BECOMING MORE COMMON

It's been a very emotional day. I got up this morning to find Cupid with poo all over him. He'd made it to the potty pad, but was too tired to get up, so he must've laid in it. So I had to give him a wash under the sink. He's getting a little congested now, and one side of his nose is irritated. I've been putting A & D Ointment on it.

I mentioned to Keith that perhaps it's time to think about putting him down. He disagrees with me on that. It's not that we got into a fight, but lots of feelings were coming up and it was very tense and there were a lot of tears and words. I was an hour late to work ~ came in with smeared makeup and swollen eyes from sobbing so much. I felt like such a bad guy, bringing it up. Like I was being heartless. But, no, that wasn't it at all. I'm not being heartless, I'm being heartbroken.

(I'm not feeling much empathy here at work- just from one person. Everyone else is just avoiding me. The don't get it and I guess I'm some kind of nut-so in their mind. I don't care, really.....well...maybe I do....)

Keith told me, "Look, you wanted a ferret. Now we have six. You are going to have to learn to deal with this part of having them, too!" And I said, "I am learning to deal with it! I've been learning since he got sick!" Geeze. It was just too intense; I am physically and mentally exhausted. I'm sure Keith is, as well.

I mean, everything is OK. We have diffferent ideas about what might be best for Cupid, that's all. Neither is wrong or right. We both love him dearly and want what's best for him. Bottom line, we won't put him down. He will stay with us for as long as he stays. The decision may change, depending on what happens.

Anyway, that's it. Better get myself back to work...

LOVE IS LIKE OXYGEN

(LEFT) Cupid "Bones" McPoo relaxes in the new kitty bed. (BELOW) Cupid and Dave "Frijole" Bear discuss the Power of Positive
Thinking.

Every day when I come home from work, every morning when I wake up, I wonder, "Is this the day? Is this the day our Cupid will cross the Bridge?" It feels awful to have that thought hovering in the back of my mind, but I don't deny it's there. He's just hanging on and I also wonder if he is suffering greatly? He doesn't appear to be in any kind of pain. But he is very weak and walking is so difficult now. He's losing interest in his food and I refuse to scruff him and force it down. When he pushes away, I try once or twice more and then we are done.

Even giving him his meds is getting more difficult. He won't open his mouth for me. Sometimes I pray that he will just go to sleep and pass peacefully ~ and put him in a happier place where his little spirit can run and dance again. This is no life for him. And as painful as it is for me to say it, I have to let go of what I want and think of Cupid.

He just looks so sad. And that breaks my heart, too. No one can fix it.

Tonight my husband fashioned a little oxygen tent and pumped some oxygen to Cupid. It was a bittersweet attempt to do something to help him feel better. It amused Cupid for a moment, but didn't do much else. (Of course, Milo thought it was the coolest thing ever!)

As I'm writing this I hear one of the guys (not sure who it is, because they are sleeping under our bed) is crying in his sleep. I got up and reached my hand in and petted whoever is under there and spoke quietly to him...the crying stopped.

Oh, man. As hard and ievitable as this has been, I am not prepared. My own grief, Keith's grief and the grief of Cupid's friends hangs thick.

THE WAITING GAME

My days are packed lately, and I haven't had a chance to write. I'm taking care of Cupid and trying to take care of my own body, which is still not feeling too smurfy due to some asthma issues.

We went to the vet yesterday and she determined that Cupid has cardiomyopathy and insulinoma which is not being controlled by the prednisone. She increased the dose of pred from .2 cc to .25 cc 2x/day. We took him off the Carafate, because it hasn't helped his teeth grinding. He is not a good candidate for insulinoma surgery, so basically, we wait. There is nothing more to do. I'm adding Carnivore Care and Totally Ferret Complete Nutrition, alternating these in his Duck Soup feedings.

He has continued to lose weight. Dr. Dori explained that it is due to the heart disease. It's just using up all of his calories. It's horrific how thin he is. He is just sleeping. Walking is getting difficult for him -- he is so weak and stumbles when he walks. He can't make it across the living room floor before laying down.

I also took Ziggy to the vet with Cupid yesterday, because he was due for his annual distemper shot. Well. He had a bad reaction. He started throwing up and he zoned out. Dr. Dori had to give him a shot of Benadryl and a cortisone shot. That was scarey. Now he will have to be pre-medicated every time.

I'm hearing the pitter-patter of little ferret feet as I type. I look down and George is checking out my humidifier. He is beautiful! His summer coat is almost in and he is almost all black, except for his white markings. And shiney!!! Need to get a good pic of him, for sure.

Feeling: sad, ill, tired

LUMPS AND PSYCHICS

It has been a long week. I'm fighting a bug and am worn out. Little Cupid had a couple of "good" days and now he's not-so-good. I'm trying to get used to that and not freak out every time he's feeling bad. But it's really hard.

Yesterday I was scratching his tummy and felt a large lump on his left side. There's no sense in rushing him to Dr. Dori, though. He has an appointment one week from this Monday and she'll be repeating his x-rays then. Honestly, I'm preparing myself for the worst.

This is a weird thing, but sometimes I wish I could take Cupid to a pet psychic. He's always been such a serious and rather sad little dude. I'd like to know what is in his head. And I want him to know how deeply he is loved. Alas, we don't have the money to spend on such a thing! Guess I'll have to depend on my own intuition....

I need sleep....

MELTDOWN - PART TWO

I cried myself to sleep last night and I went to work today feeling incredibly bummed out. Cupid ate very little this morning and he went flat a couple of times before retreating into the community hammock under the bed.

I mentioned to a coworker/friend that I was having a hard time and was feeling useless today. Her only response was, "Ooohhh. And we are really busy today." No empathy or sympathy. No, "I'm so sorry" or a small hug. Just, "we're really busy".

Another coworker made the remark (and this one just blew my mind) that "perhaps I should take Cupid back to the lady (meaning the rescue) I got him from". What??????? Really?????

I don't expect anyone to get it. I'd just appreciate a little kindness around this thing. Shit. Just because Cupid is a ferret and not a dog or cat, people think I'm a freak.

Anyway, he is going to the vet tomorrow. I have an appointment for April 13, but I don't think I should wait. He needs to be looked at, pronto. Hopefully, it's not too late to help him. I did some research again today and I am certain he has a cardiomyopathy. Insulinoma, at this point, is the least of my little buddy's problems. I know they can give meds for heart issues in ferrets. It doesn't reverse anything, but at least they feel better. It's all I can hope for.

MELTDOWN

It's midnight. I won't be able to sleep until I put this down. I think it won't be much longer until Cupid goes. He seems worse to me tonight. I get the sense that he is just so tired of fighting. And here I am, doing everything to keep him alive....
How far do I take it?.....I don't know.
Before I put him in his cage tonight I held him and told him it's OK...OK for him to go...that I love him and I will always love him.

It's tearing me apart -- I feel so sad and helpless.

Maybe I'm wrong....God, I hope I'm wrong. But it's a strong feeling.