OH, MY ZIGGY...

Of all the ferrets that seems to miss Snow the most, it's Ziggy. It's seems ironic because they didn't get along so great all the time. But the day Snow died, we laid him on his little bed and let the other fuzzies sniff him and say goodbye. Ziggy visited Snow several times. He nuzzled him and spent a lot of time hanging around him.

Oh, my Ziggy. You never cease to amaze me. What goes on in that little head of yours?

p.s. thanks to my friends for the warm comments and love....

GONE

Snow went to the Rainbow Bridge this morning at 9:00 am. I was packing things up to drive him to Gulf Coast when he died in my husband's arms. This has hit us way too fast. He was doing fine and the heart meds he was on seemed to be working very well. Just yesterday morning, he was bouncing around with everyone else, begging for treats. He gave no indication of feeling bad.

Then around 4:30 my husband called me and said that Snow was throwing up and had diarrhea. It was full of blood and thick mucous. No vet was available for ferrets on Saturday night, except for Gulf Coast Veterinary Specialists some 30 miles away in the Galleria. We decided to sit up with him through the night and keep him hydrated and try to get him somewhere this morning. But when I called, they still had no ferret vet on duty.

We decided to try to get him to Gulf Coast, but he didn't make it. He was only 3 1/2 years old.

My poor little Snow. I'm so, so sad....

FUNERAL FOR A FERRET

Today was the day we buried Cupid. For me, it was a beautiful closure and goodbye ritual for my friend. Keith made a lovely spot in our front garden. We bought this solar glass sphere that lights up at night. It's really cool ~ it changes colors and looks very happy in the garden next to Cupid.

This has been so painful for us and it's been very hard on Keith. I knew he loved Cupid, but I guess I didn't realize how much. He's crushed. And that, in itself, has been a heartbreak for me.

More drama: I came home on Saturday and found little baby Milo with his left eye all gooey and mated and swollen shut. It wasn't that way in the morning when I left for work, so whatever it is, it came on during the day Saturday. I cleaned his eye with warm water and held a warm teabag on it for a minute. (Oh, he loved that, let me tell ya) Luckily, I had some Trioptic-S oinment leftover from a time when Cupid had an eye irritation. Good ole Cupid, he saved the day. The teabag helped the swelling and the Trioptic seems to be taking care of the infection, but we may see if he can get into the vet tomorrow, just to be safe.

Made a big order at Ferret Depot and Totally Ferret today. Hopefully, it will last a month or a little more. Yippee, I got an extension set for the playpen, so there will be more rumble room!

DREAM A LITTLE DREAM

My son, Nathan, told me he had a dream about Cupid yesterday morning. He dreamt that Cupid was bouncing and playing and climbing on his head. I choose to believe that this was Cupid's message to me: that he is just fine; that he is happy, free and healthy again. And that there really is such a place called "heaven".

The Eric Clapton song, Tears in Heaven, has been running through my head for a few days now. Nathan says it's "Cupid's Song". Yeah.

I've had so much support and wonderful messages from others. It's really cool to feel the spirit of love and empathy from close friends and people I hardly know. That's grace.

Today has been a little easier, because life does go on. The five WildCats (my other ferrets) are noticing Cupid's absence. I found Dave sleeping in Cupid's sock nest last night and George has been there, too, seeming to look for Cupid. George seemed a bit sad this morning, sniffing around and then going flat as if it was just hitting him that his friend has really left.

Dave, who was Cupid's cagemate and BFF, has been very interesting. He seems...peaceful. And, suddenly he is playing and war-dancing more than I've ever seen him do before. It's almost uncharacteristic for him. And I wonder, perhaps Dave feels the peace that Cupid is feeling.

I don't know. Maybe I'm reaching. But ferrets can be quite intense and feeling little creatures. And I believe animals are intuitive around the unseen and spiritual.

The cage that Cupid lived in for the last month now stands stark and empty. I suddenly have more time again. No more multiple feedings and medication times. No more extra laundry on top of the already circulating pile. No more nights of just sitting there, watching, crying, praying.

It's done. Now our lives with ferrets returns to more of a "normal" (uh, yeah...) state. My blogs won't be monopolized with Cupid and his illness and my fears. Now I can write more about the ordinary, the mundane, the silliness, the tearing out of my hair because the lamp got knocked down again.

There are probably a couple more posts about Cupid. We bury him on Sunday and I will write about that. I will miss him and have waves of grief and I will write about that, too. But, soon I can move on and give the other five guys a chance in the Blog Spotlight.

TEARS IN HEAVEN

So, this morning at about 4 am, Cupid McPoo crossed over the Bridge. He was approximately 6 1/2 years old. Cupid began breathing very laboriously during the evening and it steadily progressed into the night and early morning. Keith and I sat up with him. We talked to him, we held him. I sang to him. We put him in a soft pet bed and petted him.

We put him in his little bed in our bed between us. I remember looking at the clock and it was close to 3:30 am. I must have dozed off for a few minutes. When I opened my eyes, he was gone. He was still very warm, so I know it had only been minutes.

We've cried and cried. My head tells me he is OK now, and running and playing. My heart aches. I miss him. He was such a beautiful friend.

I called off from work and stayed home. I cleaned the cages and gathered up Cupid's things: his favorite blanket, a grass ball, a ping pong ball, a sock, his spoon, his toothbrush. I snipped some of his hair (he had a beautiful white and apricot coat) and I snipped some of my hair to bury with him. Before he died, I'd taken his paw prints. Anyway, all of his stuff is gathered together. I picked some flowers from our garden and made an arrangement and put it next to his stuff. And I've been burning a small candle.

Perhaps to some, that's goofy. But to me, it's not enough.

The other ferrets have been a bit quiet today. Their play has been subdued. Last night, as Cupid was laying in his bed, they came up and sniffed him, sneezed and went away. It was strange. They played around him. They seen to have accepted his passing so far. Dave is the one I need to watch, since he and Cupid have always been together.

But so far? Dave has comforted me. They all have.

So long, Sensei. Fly high little ferret. I love you.

I can't write anymore right now.

MELTDOWNS BECOMING MORE COMMON

It's been a very emotional day. I got up this morning to find Cupid with poo all over him. He'd made it to the potty pad, but was too tired to get up, so he must've laid in it. So I had to give him a wash under the sink. He's getting a little congested now, and one side of his nose is irritated. I've been putting A & D Ointment on it.

I mentioned to Keith that perhaps it's time to think about putting him down. He disagrees with me on that. It's not that we got into a fight, but lots of feelings were coming up and it was very tense and there were a lot of tears and words. I was an hour late to work ~ came in with smeared makeup and swollen eyes from sobbing so much. I felt like such a bad guy, bringing it up. Like I was being heartless. But, no, that wasn't it at all. I'm not being heartless, I'm being heartbroken.

(I'm not feeling much empathy here at work- just from one person. Everyone else is just avoiding me. The don't get it and I guess I'm some kind of nut-so in their mind. I don't care, really.....well...maybe I do....)

Keith told me, "Look, you wanted a ferret. Now we have six. You are going to have to learn to deal with this part of having them, too!" And I said, "I am learning to deal with it! I've been learning since he got sick!" Geeze. It was just too intense; I am physically and mentally exhausted. I'm sure Keith is, as well.

I mean, everything is OK. We have diffferent ideas about what might be best for Cupid, that's all. Neither is wrong or right. We both love him dearly and want what's best for him. Bottom line, we won't put him down. He will stay with us for as long as he stays. The decision may change, depending on what happens.

Anyway, that's it. Better get myself back to work...

HANGING IN THERE

((sighing heavily))

Cupid is still hanging on, which, honestly, is amazing. He's having a hard time letting go, too, I guess. He can't walk at all, but insists on getting himself to the potty pad anyway. He deserves his dignity. He's taken to sleeping in plastic shopping bags, so Keith has him in his office with him right now, sleeping in a WalMart bag.

All my other guys are zonked out, except Milo, who is eating heartily. ((crunch crunch crunch)) It's so cute how they move their little heads from side to side when they eat...



It's all quiet on the Ferret Front.

LOVE IS LIKE OXYGEN

(LEFT) Cupid "Bones" McPoo relaxes in the new kitty bed. (BELOW) Cupid and Dave "Frijole" Bear discuss the Power of Positive
Thinking.

Every day when I come home from work, every morning when I wake up, I wonder, "Is this the day? Is this the day our Cupid will cross the Bridge?" It feels awful to have that thought hovering in the back of my mind, but I don't deny it's there. He's just hanging on and I also wonder if he is suffering greatly? He doesn't appear to be in any kind of pain. But he is very weak and walking is so difficult now. He's losing interest in his food and I refuse to scruff him and force it down. When he pushes away, I try once or twice more and then we are done.

Even giving him his meds is getting more difficult. He won't open his mouth for me. Sometimes I pray that he will just go to sleep and pass peacefully ~ and put him in a happier place where his little spirit can run and dance again. This is no life for him. And as painful as it is for me to say it, I have to let go of what I want and think of Cupid.

He just looks so sad. And that breaks my heart, too. No one can fix it.

Tonight my husband fashioned a little oxygen tent and pumped some oxygen to Cupid. It was a bittersweet attempt to do something to help him feel better. It amused Cupid for a moment, but didn't do much else. (Of course, Milo thought it was the coolest thing ever!)

As I'm writing this I hear one of the guys (not sure who it is, because they are sleeping under our bed) is crying in his sleep. I got up and reached my hand in and petted whoever is under there and spoke quietly to him...the crying stopped.

Oh, man. As hard and ievitable as this has been, I am not prepared. My own grief, Keith's grief and the grief of Cupid's friends hangs thick.

LUMPS AND PSYCHICS

It has been a long week. I'm fighting a bug and am worn out. Little Cupid had a couple of "good" days and now he's not-so-good. I'm trying to get used to that and not freak out every time he's feeling bad. But it's really hard.

Yesterday I was scratching his tummy and felt a large lump on his left side. There's no sense in rushing him to Dr. Dori, though. He has an appointment one week from this Monday and she'll be repeating his x-rays then. Honestly, I'm preparing myself for the worst.

This is a weird thing, but sometimes I wish I could take Cupid to a pet psychic. He's always been such a serious and rather sad little dude. I'd like to know what is in his head. And I want him to know how deeply he is loved. Alas, we don't have the money to spend on such a thing! Guess I'll have to depend on my own intuition....

I need sleep....

CUPID HELPS WITH THE DISHES

So I took Cupid to see Dr. Dori on Wednesday evening. She spent a lot of time examining him. She told me his lungs sound great, but his spleen is enlarged and hard in one spot. Dr. Dori said it is common to see enlarged and hard spleens in ferrets ~ no one really knows why ~ so it may or may not mean something.

He's lost weight, which I was aware of. His glucose was 71. Dr. Dori still wants to wait until April 13 to repeat Cupid's x-rays. She thought maybe he was having some side effcts to the Lasix, so we reduced the dosage.

It appears that Cupid is improving somewhat. His tummy seems to feel better, although he still isn't eating so great. He gets up and mills around for a few minutes at a time ~ last night he even came in the kitchen and helped me unload the dishwasher!


Anyway, Dr. Dori was awesome. She really eased my mind. I'm doing everything right ~ now it's just a matter of waiting and watching. Hopefully, in a couple more weeks, we will be able to figure out what else is going on with Cupid (besides the insulimoma).

On top of this, Dave got really sick tonight and barfed all over the house. It looked like undigested Duck Soup, so I'm hoping it was just a matter of him overeating. Dave loves to eat.


Ugh --- I am exhausted.

MELTDOWN - PART TWO

I cried myself to sleep last night and I went to work today feeling incredibly bummed out. Cupid ate very little this morning and he went flat a couple of times before retreating into the community hammock under the bed.

I mentioned to a coworker/friend that I was having a hard time and was feeling useless today. Her only response was, "Ooohhh. And we are really busy today." No empathy or sympathy. No, "I'm so sorry" or a small hug. Just, "we're really busy".

Another coworker made the remark (and this one just blew my mind) that "perhaps I should take Cupid back to the lady (meaning the rescue) I got him from". What??????? Really?????

I don't expect anyone to get it. I'd just appreciate a little kindness around this thing. Shit. Just because Cupid is a ferret and not a dog or cat, people think I'm a freak.

Anyway, he is going to the vet tomorrow. I have an appointment for April 13, but I don't think I should wait. He needs to be looked at, pronto. Hopefully, it's not too late to help him. I did some research again today and I am certain he has a cardiomyopathy. Insulinoma, at this point, is the least of my little buddy's problems. I know they can give meds for heart issues in ferrets. It doesn't reverse anything, but at least they feel better. It's all I can hope for.

MELTDOWN

It's midnight. I won't be able to sleep until I put this down. I think it won't be much longer until Cupid goes. He seems worse to me tonight. I get the sense that he is just so tired of fighting. And here I am, doing everything to keep him alive....
How far do I take it?.....I don't know.
Before I put him in his cage tonight I held him and told him it's OK...OK for him to go...that I love him and I will always love him.

It's tearing me apart -- I feel so sad and helpless.

Maybe I'm wrong....God, I hope I'm wrong. But it's a strong feeling.